May302012

“The problem is we look at the world through the law, but we ask Jesus to look at us through mercy and grace.”

So true. I’m guilty of this very much.

relationship with god walk with god god 

May252012

What do you do when sorry has lost its meaning with you because you’ve said it countless times but never seem to change?

Sorry seems to be the easiest thing to say, and the hardest thing to do.

relationship with god walk with god god 

May172012

Hope

Okay, at times like this, I also tend to Google (actually, I Google almost everything, so I know plenty of random knowledge) what the bible says with respect to what I am going through right now. This time, it happens to be “What does the bible say about hope?” and I came across this very good post and I thought I should share it here:

What is the Christian’s hope?

Most people understand hope as wishful thinking, as in “I hope something will happen.” This is not what the Bible means by hope. The biblical definition of hope is “confident expectation.” Hope is a firm assurance regarding things that are unclear and unknown (Romans 8:24-25; Hebrews 11:1, 7). Hope is a fundamental component of the life of the righteous (Proverbs 23:18). Without hope, life loses its meaning (Lamentations 3:18; Job 7:6) and in death there is no hope (Isaiah 38:18; Job 17:15). The righteous who trust or put their hope in God will be helped (Psalm 28:7), and they will not be confounded, put to shame, or disappointed (Isaiah 49:23). The righteous, who have this trustful hope in God, have a general confidence in God’s protection and help (Jeremiah 29:11) and are free from fear and anxiety (Psalm 46:2-3).

The New Testament idea of hope is the recognition that in Christ is found the fulfillment of the Old Testament promises (Matthew 12:21; 1 Peter 1:3). Christian hope is rooted in faith in the divine salvation in Christ (Galatians 5:5). Hope of Christians is brought into being through the presence of the promised Holy Spirit (Romans 8:24-25). It is the future hope of the resurrection of the dead (Acts 23:6), the promises given to Israel (Acts 26:6-7), the redemption of the body and of the whole creation (Romans 8:23-25), eternal glory (Colossians 1:27), eternal life and the inheritance of the saints (Titus 3:5-7), the return of Christ (Titus 2:11-14), transformation into the likeness of Christ (1 John 3:2-3), the salvation of God (1 Timothy 4:10) or simply Christ Himself (1 Timothy 1:1).

The certainty of this blessed future is guaranteed through the indwelling of the Spirit (Romans 8:23-25), Christ in us (Colossians 1:27), and the resurrection of Christ (Acts 2:26). Hope is produced by endurance through suffering (Romans 5:2-5) and is the inspiration behind endurance (1 Thessalonians 1:3; Hebrews 6:11). Those who hope in Christ will see Christ exalted in life and in death (Philippians 1:20). Trustworthy promises from God give us hope (Hebrews 6:18-19), and we may boast in this hope (Hebrews 3:6) and exhibit great boldness in our faith (2 Corinthians 3:12). By contrast, those who do not place their trust in God are said to be without hope (Ephesians 2:12; 1 Thessalonians 4:13).

Along with faith and love, hope is an enduring virtue of the Christian life (1 Corinthians 13:13), and love springs from hope (Colossians 1:4-5). Hope produces joy and peace in believers through the power of the Spirit (Romans 12:12; 15:13). Paul attributes his apostolic calling to the hope of eternal glory (Titus 1:1-2). Hope in the return of Christ is the basis for believers to purify themselves in this life (Titus 2:11-14; 1 John 3:3).

Source (x)

I like the phrase that they used to describe the Christian hope: confident expectation. It’s just the reminder I need as I’m beginning to lose hope and doubt God and His plans for me.

Relationship with God Walk With God 

5PM

17 May 2012

Still no progress in finding a job. I really wanted an internship. I looked at all the job scopes of various admin assistant positions, things like photocopying, data entry and the sorts and they just sound so mundane and pointless. I always hated the idea of working for the sake of money and I still do. I would much rather get an internship position, earn less money and gain much more knowledge and experience. But life forces us to be practical eventually. I need money and I also very much do not want to waste away 3 months of my life at home doing nothing (doing nothing because I won’t have the money to go out without a job). Anyway, the fact that there are various admin assistant vacancies out there annoys me so much more. Am I really that undesirable? I have experience in that field, and I believe my resume is decent enough. Yet I’ve not gotten a single call back or offered even an interview. Times like this, I feel like Psalm 139:14 is just a big joke. I’ve never felt this lousy and rejected in my life.

I’m the sort of person who wallows in sorrow and self-pity for the next day or two every time I meet with a huge obstacle. By wallowing, I mean sitting around the house eating junk food, watching shows and sleeping. Essentially, doing nothing. I’m trying my best not do that any more. I’m trying to just move on and do what I ought/want to be doing in my life regardless of having a job. I’m trying my best to continue holding my head up high, continue blasting off those resumes to various job positions, continue using my time wisely like reading books and practising my guitar and continue putting my hope in God. But there is only so many disappointments a girl can take…

Relationship with God Walk With God 

May162012

16 May 2012

You know that feeling when your only hope is God and you put all your hope in Him and He just doesn’t seem to be doing anything? I am feeling that terribly now.

I’ve been desperately trying to find a temp job/internship for 3 weeks now. I’ve sent out a barrage of resumes applying for various job positions and all I got was one phone call back. I want to get it as soon as possible because I have to take leave on the first week of June and it’s not very good to take leave that early on in a job. The worse part is, all my friends seem to be getting jobs like nothing. I applied for one job position together with a friend and even though the company had 5 vacancies, they chose her and not me. Honestly starting to think that there is something seriously wrong with me. I am just so disheartened and feeling so rejected now.

For the first time in my life, I actually want to make my holidays a fruitful one and work hard and learn new things, and it seems like God is playing a cruel trick on me. I was reluctant to start working during the hols last year but I managed to find a job in less than a week. Wow. I’m finding it increasingly hard to believe Jeremiah 29:11 now but I have no choice. God is my only hope in this kind of a situation. Just forcing myself to move along and trust God.

My parents are now being their commonly quarrelsome and childish selves. It’s past the shouting and screaming stage already. That was yesterday. Today, it’s gone to the cold shoulder stage. And all I can put my hope in again is God. They were having a very good streak of peacefulness the past couple of weeks, especially the past few days, when I was feeling so distant from God and when I came back to Him, they started arguing again. Is this some big joke? I’m just so…disheartened. There’s the word again.

Today’s my mum’s birthday and I haven’t got to see her all day and I didn’t wish her happy birthday because I wasn’t too happy with her either. Now I’m wondering if anyone wished her because my dad certainly did not. And I’m feeling very bad about it because she’s the person I love the most. Ugh. We are one screwed up family made of screwed up people. God help us.

I’m just feeling terrible now.

relationship with god walk with god 

May82012

I got back my essays today. A, A-, B and 46/50.

PRAISE GOD!

This time, all the praise and glory goes to You, God! This time, I want to stay with You. I don’t want to seek You only in times of need and turn my back away from You when life is going great.

Praise God!

Oh, how abundant is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you, in the sight of the children of mankind! Psalms 31:19.

relationship with god walk with god praise god god 

May42012

I don’t understand the things that God allows His people to go through.

I have a close friend (only 20 this year) who is a dedicated christian and actively serves in her church. Her whole family, in fact, are dedicated chtistians. Last year, she had a sudden heart virus attack which caused her heart to stop beating and her brain is now damaged as a result of oxygen deprivation. Her personality is lost, her maturity is lost (due to loss of memory of many of her teenage years) and her motor skills are severely affected. All this obviously took such a toll on her family, especially her mum who stayed by her side every single night in the hospital. She always looked so tired. When she got out of coma, she could not will her body to do anything. Now she can walk, although she has not fully regained her original physical capabilities. Her brain, however, still has a long way to go. I feel so sad for her and I can’t help but ask God why does He allow this to happen to her and her family. But I know one thing, something good is going to come out of this and I am looking forward to it! :)

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May32012

3rd May 2012

Second day of post-exams-summer-holidays period. Have not gotten into the groove of the list of commitments I made to start during the holidays. It was probably not a good idea to sleep at 2am when I had to leave the house before 9 this morning for a job interview…especially after 2 weeks of sleep deprivation during the exam period. I hope I get a job soon! I don’t want to slack my holidays away, and I certainly will without a job. I am perfectly capable of sitting in front of my laptop for days and weeks just watching shows. It’s scary.

The job agency offered me a job as HR consultant in their very own firm. The job sounded rather demanding, fast-paced and tiring. It was also partially commission-based. I, being the queen of slackers (and ultimate scaredy cat towards failures), have always vowed to never take on a commission-based job. But I expressed my interest anyway, partly because it sounded like a very good experience and eye-opener and partly because of a quote I recently came across. It was from a character in my favourite show (Castle!!! heh) and it goes like this: “Always do the thing you fear the most”. When I first heard it, I was rather blown away. I agreed wholeheartedly. I realised I have been doing this since the start of the year, but subconsciously.

My friend and I agreed that this year is going to be a year of first times - mostly because we are both very passive people in our church community. So far, I’ve had quite a few first times, many which are going out of my comfort zone, or in other words, the things I fear. I have to say I am quite proud of how much I have progressed so far. 2 short years ago, I was pathologically shy among my church friends (I have no idea why, thinking back, it’s stupid as heck). Now, I am singing in front of them and sharing embarrassing stories about my past with them. I am looking forward to continually stepping out of my comfort zone and DO THE THING THAT I FEAR THE MOST. And it’s going to be a loooog journey, because I am afraid of many things. Hahahaha. Oh crap, does that mean I have to go inside haunted houses too?? Let me make this one tiny exception….heh.

Anyway, back to the job, I will most likely not be getting it, because I won’t be able to work for 1 week in June and it’s not suitable to their schedule. But that’s okay. That 1 week I will be spending it by facing one of my greatest fears - public speaking and debating! Arghhhh!!! But it’s gonna be an exciting and enriching experience so I can’t wait! :)

HAVE A GREAT DAY EVERYONE OUT THERE! Let me just get cosy in my bed with a book entitled “Inventing Human Rights” to end the night off. I’m a weirdo. Don’t judge me.

relationship with god walk with god jesus god fears comfort zones 

1AM

2nd May 2012

So I was high on life, then not anymore.

Last paper today, so all was going great as expected, except for that little tinge at the bottom of my heart worried for results day.

Got to meet one of my best friends and just walk around the shopping centre for hours aimlessly, talking about everything and anything, including dream houses. She’s the total go-to friend in all dream house discussions. Side note, I want a treehouse, a grand piano and a totally padded room in my house!! Also, a fireman pole is a must!!! I’m such a child in such things…and I don’t care! Getting to meet her made my day. I thought I had to spend 4 hours wondering the streets, scavanging for friends and entertainment before my tuition started.

Bought a cute (according to that aforementioned best friend of mine, personally I didn’t really think so) letter writing set for my tutee and she liked it, so I’m happy :) And it only cost me 2 bucks. I hope I’m not sending her the wrong message. Getting her a letter writing set to motivate her to study hard for midyears and she uses them to write notes to her boyfriend instead of studying. Hahaha. Taught her English today so I didn’t feel like puking blood. Math is the puke blood worthy subject, because she is so weak in understanding all the concepts and formulas, and her lack of motivation to want to improve just makes everything worse. I have to learn to be stern. Good training for future motherhood anyway…

After tuition, got to have a long, nice chat with my guy friend. Superheroes and war tactics. Talking to guys are fun! I’m such a guy. And a kid. I’m a small boy.

The day ended with a huge fight with my mum where I broke the commitment of being patient and understanding to her. Our issues run deep. Every fight we ever had probably stems from the same root. Wow, I make us sound like a dysfunctional couple. But back to the point is, I need more self-control.

Clearly, lots to thank God for and lots to pray for.

Continue to PUSH on.
Pray until something happens :)

My hope lies not in earthly things, but in God himself, the maker of heaven and earth, from whom comes my help also. Hope worthy to hold on to forever.

Yay okay! Have a great day/night! :)

relationship with god walk with god prayer hope help 

April292012
Okay argh, this is very difficult to constantly write on this blog. But I really want to. I used to write stories in primary school, but I never finished any one of them. I loved writing, and still do, but I was never committed to writing them. That’s one of the reasons why I started writing poems the past few years - they don’t require a high level of commitment. I clearly have commitment issues. So I really want to do this - keep this blog alive even if no one is reading whatever I’m posting here. A matter of personal integrity. Besides, I always pen down my thoughts about God and my walk with Him, so why not on the internet where someone out there may read it and be inspired or something like that. So today as I settle down to study for my last paper (wooh!) after a heavy lunch which has caused me to me very, very sleepy, I shall write this post! Okay, so here’s a photo of my friends praising my writing skills (yes, I’m the one named Benita) and does this sound like I’m being so conceited or what?! Oh gosh…I better hurry and get to my point. Their compliments really made my day. I’ve never been complimented on my writing this way before, or any talent/skill of mine for that matter (if I even have other talents/skills, that is). I always grew up asking God since the bible says that everyone is gifted in their own ways, and one should use their gifts to glorify God, then where is mine? Sometimes, I would feel lousy about myself, watching all my friends excelling at their special skills - photography, music, studies, drawing, and many more. I thought I would be one of those people God set aside for miscellaneous work like…I don’t know. Lend a listening ear, encourage others or simply be a sturdy shoulder to cry on. Not that those things are not honourable works, but the thing I’ve discovered along the way is that I’m not particularly good in any of them too. That was what troubled me the most. I felt so disappointed in myself at times, especially when I have relatives who despise Christians, and my nobody-no talent status was not helping God’s name at all. But God has brought me along this road to discovery where I begin to understand and claim whole of the fact that my identity and self-worth lies in God alone, and not in what the world says about me. Sure, I am still insecure at times, but now I know, and I simply go back to God. My relatives despising Christianity is none of my business. God’s glory and majesty will be shown in all His light one day. He will prove His name one day, and every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that He is God. Who else is better to shine His glory to the world than God Himself? I don’t have to worry. I just do what I gotta do on this earth, and if no one notices, who cares? God sees, and God will reward. Another road of discovery He has led me on is the understanding of this very verse, which is now one of my favourite verses. It has made me want to name my daughter (if I ever have one) Grace, because His grace just means so much to me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.2 Corinthians 12:9 All my life, I took God and His presence for granted. One of the most common things that children born in Christian families go through. Sometimes I wish I had not been born in a Christian family so I could have my own story of salvation to tell. But I know God’s story is the best one to tell. Even though I knew God ever since I could understand the concept of a god, I never truly started a relationship with Him until I really made the effort to draw near to Him and commit myself to the church, the people and the activities. I was only a Christian by name for the first 18 years of my life. This, I guess is not very different from a salvation story. God blessed me with this amazing family in Christ that I have now slightly more than a year ago. That was when I truly started to make my way to God. A few months in and I started to stumble. I was chronically lazy, dishonouring to my parents, was constantly doubting my self-worth (in part due to my relatives’ tactless words regarding my future and whatnot) and many other shit I would rather not mention here. I felt so lousy about myself, and I kept questioning why do I even bother going on to be in this relationship with God. I still loved God, I was still in love with Jesus, but I just kept feeling I was not good enough to be a child of God. So the first time in my life, I honestly considered turning my back from God. I went to sleep with the heaviest of hearts, so heavy that I could not even summon tears to cry my sadness away. I woke up with the same heavy heart and I just took up my phone and Googled “bible verses for when you have fallen”. Thank God for Yahoo! answers, I came across these two verses: Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD shall be a light unto me. I will bear the indignation of the LORD, because I have sinned against him, until he plead my cause, and execute judgment for me: he will bring me forth to the light, and I shall behold his righteousness.Micah 7:8-9 For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again, but the wicked are brought down by calamity.Proverbs 24:16 I was very comforted by these two verses. I began to have my quiet time with God. I began to have the strength to cry out to God to forgive me. The thought “I just can’t do this” kept running through my mind. Then at that moment, the concept of “grace” suddenly clicked in my head and everything about it just made sense. The church have been preaching about this concept for so long, and I have heard it a thousand times in my life. I understood it on an intellectual level, but I realised on that day that deep within, I always had a belief of my own that if I could be a good enough daughter, a good enough student, a good enough friend, do some volunteer work and what not, I could be validated in front of God. I suddenly understood what God meant by His grace, on both an intellectual and experiential level. From that day on, I have been so grateful of His grace. I have been singing praises of His grace. Doing the volunteer work that I’ve been doing suddenly took on a different meaning - I wasn’t doing this to earn my way to God’s heart but because I was already in God’s heart and I wanted to show others this amazing and wonderful grace that I have come to know. I always asked God for good grades in my prayers, and telling Him that it will go to His glory. But who can fool God, seriously. He knows all our deepest and darkest secrets and desires. Now, I’m just amazed at how far I’ve come on this journey with Him, how far He has brought me. My attitude towards my own works, and my own self-worth have totally changed. Perhaps this is why He has started to show me my own talents. The Benita I knew before would read those compliments and be all “Yeaaahh, I kick butt in writing, I know it”. The Benita I am now has been thanking God for the compliments that have helped to boost my confidence in my writing and to be more daring in showcasing them to my friends, this gift that He has given me which I enjoy immensely and I just keep wondering and asking God what exactly does He want me to do with this gift in terms of contributing to my church and my cell. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead,do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.Romans 12:6-8 This verse keeps coming to my head, and currently I don’t know how to use this skill of mine to contribute to His works except perhaps to pen poems about His greatness and love, which I am already doing so. Love is the greatest inspiration to many artists, and I found the greatest love of all. My poems used to be all about other things going on in my life. Now, when I write, I can’t help but be drawn to write about God. I hope this skill of mine will go far for God’s namesake, because this is all possible only through Him. Oh my my, another long post! Argh. I’m so sorry. Have a great day and I hope you may experience God’s grace in abundance :)

Okay argh, this is very difficult to constantly write on this blog. But I really want to. I used to write stories in primary school, but I never finished any one of them. I loved writing, and still do, but I was never committed to writing them. That’s one of the reasons why I started writing poems the past few years - they don’t require a high level of commitment. I clearly have commitment issues. So I really want to do this - keep this blog alive even if no one is reading whatever I’m posting here. A matter of personal integrity. Besides, I always pen down my thoughts about God and my walk with Him, so why not on the internet where someone out there may read it and be inspired or something like that. So today as I settle down to study for my last paper (wooh!) after a heavy lunch which has caused me to me very, very sleepy, I shall write this post!

Okay, so here’s a photo of my friends praising my writing skills (yes, I’m the one named Benita) and does this sound like I’m being so conceited or what?! Oh gosh…I better hurry and get to my point. Their compliments really made my day. I’ve never been complimented on my writing this way before, or any talent/skill of mine for that matter (if I even have other talents/skills, that is). I always grew up asking God since the bible says that everyone is gifted in their own ways, and one should use their gifts to glorify God, then where is mine? Sometimes, I would feel lousy about myself, watching all my friends excelling at their special skills - photography, music, studies, drawing, and many more. I thought I would be one of those people God set aside for miscellaneous work like…I don’t know. Lend a listening ear, encourage others or simply be a sturdy shoulder to cry on. Not that those things are not honourable works, but the thing I’ve discovered along the way is that I’m not particularly good in any of them too. That was what troubled me the most. I felt so disappointed in myself at times, especially when I have relatives who despise Christians, and my nobody-no talent status was not helping God’s name at all.

But God has brought me along this road to discovery where I begin to understand and claim whole of the fact that my identity and self-worth lies in God alone, and not in what the world says about me. Sure, I am still insecure at times, but now I know, and I simply go back to God. My relatives despising Christianity is none of my business. God’s glory and majesty will be shown in all His light one day. He will prove His name one day, and every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that He is God. Who else is better to shine His glory to the world than God Himself? I don’t have to worry. I just do what I gotta do on this earth, and if no one notices, who cares? God sees, and God will reward.

Another road of discovery He has led me on is the understanding of this very verse, which is now one of my favourite verses. It has made me want to name my daughter (if I ever have one) Grace, because His grace just means so much to me.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

All my life, I took God and His presence for granted. One of the most common things that children born in Christian families go through. Sometimes I wish I had not been born in a Christian family so I could have my own story of salvation to tell. But I know God’s story is the best one to tell. Even though I knew God ever since I could understand the concept of a god, I never truly started a relationship with Him until I really made the effort to draw near to Him and commit myself to the church, the people and the activities. I was only a Christian by name for the first 18 years of my life. This, I guess is not very different from a salvation story. God blessed me with this amazing family in Christ that I have now slightly more than a year ago. That was when I truly started to make my way to God. A few months in and I started to stumble. I was chronically lazy, dishonouring to my parents, was constantly doubting my self-worth (in part due to my relatives’ tactless words regarding my future and whatnot) and many other shit I would rather not mention here. I felt so lousy about myself, and I kept questioning why do I even bother going on to be in this relationship with God. I still loved God, I was still in love with Jesus, but I just kept feeling I was not good enough to be a child of God. So the first time in my life, I honestly considered turning my back from God. I went to sleep with the heaviest of hearts, so heavy that I could not even summon tears to cry my sadness away. I woke up with the same heavy heart and I just took up my phone and Googled “bible verses for when you have fallen”. Thank God for Yahoo! answers, I came across these two verses:

Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD shall be a light unto me. I will bear the indignation of the LORD, because I have sinned against him, until he plead my cause, and execute judgment for me: he will bring me forth to the light, and I shall behold his righteousness.
Micah 7:8-9

For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again, but the wicked are brought down by calamity.
Proverbs 24:16

I was very comforted by these two verses. I began to have my quiet time with God. I began to have the strength to cry out to God to forgive me. The thought “I just can’t do this” kept running through my mind. Then at that moment, the concept of “grace” suddenly clicked in my head and everything about it just made sense. The church have been preaching about this concept for so long, and I have heard it a thousand times in my life. I understood it on an intellectual level, but I realised on that day that deep within, I always had a belief of my own that if I could be a good enough daughter, a good enough student, a good enough friend, do some volunteer work and what not, I could be validated in front of God. I suddenly understood what God meant by His grace, on both an intellectual and experiential level. From that day on, I have been so grateful of His grace. I have been singing praises of His grace. Doing the volunteer work that I’ve been doing suddenly took on a different meaning - I wasn’t doing this to earn my way to God’s heart but because I was already in God’s heart and I wanted to show others this amazing and wonderful grace that I have come to know. I always asked God for good grades in my prayers, and telling Him that it will go to His glory. But who can fool God, seriously. He knows all our deepest and darkest secrets and desires.

Now, I’m just amazed at how far I’ve come on this journey with Him, how far He has brought me. My attitude towards my own works, and my own self-worth have totally changed. Perhaps this is why He has started to show me my own talents. The Benita I knew before would read those compliments and be all “Yeaaahh, I kick butt in writing, I know it”. The Benita I am now has been thanking God for the compliments that have helped to boost my confidence in my writing and to be more daring in showcasing them to my friends, this gift that He has given me which I enjoy immensely and I just keep wondering and asking God what exactly does He want me to do with this gift in terms of contributing to my church and my cell.

We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead,do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.
Romans 12:6-8

This verse keeps coming to my head, and currently I don’t know how to use this skill of mine to contribute to His works except perhaps to pen poems about His greatness and love, which I am already doing so. Love is the greatest inspiration to many artists, and I found the greatest love of all. My poems used to be all about other things going on in my life. Now, when I write, I can’t help but be drawn to write about God. I hope this skill of mine will go far for God’s namesake, because this is all possible only through Him.

Oh my my, another long post! Argh. I’m so sorry. Have a great day and I hope you may experience God’s grace in abundance :)

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